It's been a long year. Way too long... Money is so scarce this year. I have a spending problem whenever I do get any bit of money. Last year, I lived somewhat comfortably for once. It's hard now. I've grown up at such a rapid pace that I forget how old I am. 20... I'll be 21 in about a month. The days go by so fast nowadays I lose track of what month it is, the hours go by so fast, yet through all that... it feels like this year is never-ending. 

    My mental state this year is different. Is it worse? Is it better? It's just different... Many of my childhood memories were repressed for so long and they are coming back to haunt me when I am most vulnerable. When I have nowhere to go and no one to talk to. It's nights like these where I miss my sister the most. I wish I could've given her a good life when we ran away, but I couldn't protect her. It hurts everyday, and it's a type of hurt that can never truly go away. My repressed memories that resurfaced... they are terrible. They are horrifying. I have nightmares nearly every night now. It's hard to sleep, and life has seemingly been paused. The endless amount of injustices in the world don't make it any better. I'm putting off talking about it but.. it must be said. I have no place else to vent, anyways. If you've read my blog, you know about what happened when I was 11... at this point it was almost 10 years ago and I've been dealing with that nonstop trauma-battle for so long. But that was not even the beginning. It went farther than that. I had been dealing with it for longer than that. I've kept it in for such a long time that I had nowhere to turn. I was in complete darkness. That's why we ran away. My parents were hurting me. They were hurting us. We needed to leave. We were destined for a life of pain, and as much as I wanted to save us, it didn't work out in the end. Am I too old to save myself at this point? I want to grow past this but every night it's something new that resurfaces. There are nights I stay in the bath for hours trying to get clean but it never works. I am rotten, from the inside out. If you pull back my skin, you can see my liquefied guts. 

    My body feels like a massive weight, the way I carry myself around. My back hurts everyday from having such a large chest, and I'm fairly tall compared to the people in my "family." I grew up feeling ugly and out of place yet I had features that many people would consider "desirable." I felt like my body grew too quickly for me. As a child, I didn't get to have a child's body for very long. Puberty hit me so early that in elementary school I was mistaken for a Woman. I've dealt with a complicated relationship with my body my whole life. My sexuality was at stake since childhood. I have never had a doubt in my mind about my sexual orientation though. I am a lesbian, I've known that my whole life. I love women, in every shape and size. The only woman I've never loved is me. If I met myself as someone else, I would be compassionate towards that Aiko, I would try my best to help her. But my compassion never works towards myself. My body should be beautiful to me, but most days it seems like "damaged goods." I dress in a way that accentuates my curves yet I feel like no one should see them. I want to show off my body. I may not always love myself in my physical form, but it is still my body as far as this life goes. I dress "sexy," though it doesn't mean I always feel that way. If only I grew up with my body being respected, maybe I'd see myself a bit different. 

    The feeling of being touched creeps up at night while I try to sleep. I hate the feeling. Being touched without my permission, even years after escaping the abuse. I want to enjoy being touched but I can hardly remember what it feels like to experience romance. My girlfriend had to leave the state. She's been gone a while, but every so often I get an email from her. I miss her. I wish I could feel her touch again. It's so lonely here. I don't do much now. I don't go out much now. 

    Sometimes I feel I will never be clean. 

    My insides are swarming with maggots, and every movement makes them squirm even more. 

    Some nights I feel like I'm being torn apart limb by limb. 

    Maybe I will never be clean. Maybe someday I will. Right now I don't know where I am or where I'm going. But I want something different. Maybe I have hope for a better future? 

    I repeat myself too much... I have nothing of value to say. Is anyone listening anyways? Am I different now? I hope I am. I need sleep, but I'm afraid of the nightmares. Maybe I write here more often. Maybe it'll help me sleep. I just want to change. I don't want to be afraid of monsters under the bed, or in the closet. I need to grow up. I need help. But where do I start? Is anyone out there for me? 

    Every so often I come here and spit out the same essay like verbatim. Am I changed? I am living on a tightrope and I'm losing balance. My life is an internet circus act, I am the freak everyone watches. Isn't this a live viewing of self destruction?

    Maybe I should visit those train tracks again. I miss my sister. 

xoxo,

         Aiko Ayumi.